here’s a bit from the new book

Horsham.

 

There will be two sides to this story. One will be the truth from me who will not be going back to Horsham and so has nothing to gain and one will be what the staff, in an attempt to deny any blame, and lie to the manager who didn’t bother to be there on the night!

 

We (the agency and me) had booked two nights at  the nice theatre inHorsham. A while ago I suggested to Chris Davis (CD) that we cancel the first night, as the ticket sales were poor. At the time the first show would have filled the gaps of the second show. CD’s reply was “They won’t allow that”

CD had faith in the fact that the new marketing dep’t would go all out to sell the first show. Ha Ha

I was told “All will be ok”  well here is the version of  ”all will be OK”  that actually happened

 

I arrived at 1730. It was completely dark and so was the front of the theatre. No lighting on the place what so ever. I thought for a second that maybe we had in fact cancelled the first night. As I drew nearer I saw a Christmas tree and noticed that in fact the theatre was open but the the outside was not lit at all.

 

I drove to the side of the theatre to the car park I saw no allotted car parking( as per contract..and common sense) so parked on double yellow lines and precede to bang on all of the doors. There was no answer.

 

I walked to the front of the theatre. I looked to see what was on. There was nothing to indicate that I was appearing. Just lots of panto posters and prints. These you could hardly see as there was no light on them.

 

I approached the box office which I believe doubles as a reception. I asked one of the two girls what was on her reply was  “Two Films”

 

I asked to see the manager.

“He’s not here”

“Well who’s in charge?”

“We have a duty manager but he’s showing the film people in”

“Are you filming here”?

“No, he is ushering the film audience in…can you take a seat and I’ll call him”

 

I saw the man in question and beckoned him over. I asked him to pop out side .

“Where is there anything to tell people I’m on tonight?”

He looked, with fingers crossed, for a non existent poster.

 

He said it was not his fault. “we have a new marketing man”

“How many tickets have we sold?”

“Couple of hundred” he said this as if it meant nothing to him, and offered no reason or apology.

This was not his job. His job was to show the film audience in and then mine!

 

I told him that he should tell the marketing man to put some posters up saying I’m on tomorrow and I will come back tomorrow and do the show.

He shrugged and walked off.

 

Frustrated as hell I called CD who was appalled. I wanted to go home but parked up in a layby and sulked.

 

I drove back to the venue and parked in a disabled bay and tried the stage door. It was locked and no amount of banging helped.

 

I went to reception again and asked for the duty manager. He had by then spoken with CD and had now put up nine posters in the dark front of house with sellotape!. It was 1810.

 

He let me in to the auditorium.

 

I noticed that the Pa was a new type slim system.These are very good. I said hello and notced that the red lighting I had stipulated  on the audience was not correct.It would have caused people to squint. I pointed this out and they were turned off, there was no attempt by the crew to correct this error.

I spoke in to the  sound sytem. It was not correct. The sound was thin and distorted. I shouted up to the bloke who was at his little sound box. He said, “hang on” and went into another little box to the right of the first one. Many “one two’s” later I asked what was the matter? He said,” it sounds fine!” I said that it didn’t.

He said that it was  an inadequate sound system  and that’s what they had to deal with. I said”are you saying that that’s as good as it gets?”

He said yes.

I said it is unexceptable

The other guy said they had some other speakers and could  I give them five minutes.

I waited in the foyey and watched the two receptionist chat away!

 

Five minutes later I returned to the stage and saw a set of black boxes.

“This is the stuff we have gotten in for Panto”

Thanks I said but wondered how it was possible to rig a new PA in five minutes.

I said the usual One Twos but it sounded bad…better, but still bad. I  didn’t ask for any corrections as there was now a hostile atmosphere.

 

I said to the sound man. “Is that it?”

“Is WHAT it?” He replied full of sarcasm.

“Listen mate, do you have a problem with me?”

“No… Just tell us what you want sir!

“Come on mate don’t fucking do this we have to sort this”

 

His mate said “That what he doing”

He wasn’t. I don’t think he had the ability to sort it. He was shitty and stood staring with his arms folded. In short he was being a  a c word person

I said I could not do this, and left the stage.

I found the duty manager and told him I would not be doing the show. He shrugged again, I told him that I would wait to see my fans and explain.

Come 7. 14 he approached me in the bar and said “ I’m not going to beg”

Well. I said “I’ve had no posters no parking place no punters no pa system and crew that don’t give a shit…what could you say to make things right?”

His response….

You will be letting your fans down.

 

At 7 30 he came to me in the crowded £17.50 for three drinks bar and said  ”Jim It’s 7 30,”

 

I went onstage with no mike. The house lights were brought up at my request and that was the last time I saw the crew. The ushers were great and were laughing. The people however continued to come in for 10 minutes after the “show” had begun disrupting the  show . They then got up and were back and forth getting drinks.

I pointed out to the audience what had happened, I told the facts at no tome did I “Slag Off” the crew I just told them what had happened. There we many drunk hecklers in the audience, one in particular who started to disrupted the already fucked up show. The ushers did nothing .He kept interrupting much to the annoyance of everyone and only stopped when some kind hearted soul from the back of the stalls shouted “SHUT THE FUCK UP YOU BALD HEADED CUNT”

 

I could not do my entire act because of no PA system and my voice was faltering. I would need this voice for the rest of the tour . I could not use the PA system as it was crap!

I spoke for 90 minutes and told the audience that as I could not do the show I wanted them to see they should ask for their money back. They all went and asked for it back!

 

 

In conclusion.

The theatre didn’t care. It couldn’t be bothered in all departments. I have never seen such arrogance.

 

The audience gave me a standing ovation and twitter is full of praise for my performance against all odds.

 

I sat after in a restaurant and saw a film taken by a member of the audience of the DM making a speech t the audience in the foyer,  blaming?…..yes you’ve guest it.

I have a copy of it that will look good on you tube.

The next night the manager was there to meet me in my allotted parking place and a new crew talked me through the sound check. it was great, people loved the show and I got another standing ovation..

Now then….who is the bad guy here? I have been told by Horsham management I will not be playing Horsham again!       welcome to show business.

catching up

Hello everybody,

I am off to do a warm up gig at the comedy bunker tonight 7/08 to get ready for my one show in Edinburgh next week. It is a two hour long and updated version of No Further Action.After edinburgh I will stop that line of chat and revert back to anything goes. the Autumn tour will be good It’s called Charlton Nil and will give me a chance to talk about Sarf East Lundun innit.

Shame about Cilla. Great person.

Tunisia

A terrible thing. How can this young man suddenly think that it is ok to take lives and give up his own? The question is, How do you deal with this?  Well, lets not fall into the trap of hatred and accusation. let us not look at our British muslims and  assign blame. It might help if more  people that matter would condemn these awful acts instead of saying “these terrorists are not Muslims” well they are . It is time for ALL of us to get together and not be divided by these terrorists.  let us concentrate on vigilance not vengance….Jim has spoken!!

lets see what the armchair experts say!    for me? listen to Dannat and Richards.       We have to sort our security out.  protect our boarders. Farage is correct “If the Italian prime minister gives the immigrants that have arrived by boat EU passports we would be powerless  at preventing them from coming here”

Send Ross Kemp!

Our love must go out to the poor buggers who did nothing more than  sunbath and be British

Lots have been happening.

Since my last gig at the tasty Concorde club in Eastleigh I have been up to my eyes in work for Care after Combat. We need to find 500k to fund our Phoenix Project. Phoenix sees our team entering UK Prisons and providing mentors  for our veterans.We have to find a lot of mentors as we have 2500 veterans in the Criminal justice System. We start on the first of June. If you want to be a mentor and have served in HM armed forces contact us www.careaftercombat.org.uk

I have been fishing with a great lot called Carping for Heroes. For years they have been raising money for H4H. Now they give the money to us. They are a great bunch and we are proud to be associated with them. I have been at a lakeside day and night for three days and caught bugger all!!

We have two shows at the Lakeside country club and the Circus tavern on the 10th and 11th of September. The lakeside is a men only do!

Please come along JimmyJones and I haven’t worked together for many years It’ll be a good time

 

If you want to donate text Comb11 £5 to 70070

Edinburgh Fest

I will be appearing at the Playhouse on the 14th of August for one night only!  I don’t think I could do the whole run again.It’s far to hectic. I will be doing the two hour version of last years show complete with new stuff and “The history of Yodelling”    Tickets can be purchased by going to the tour section of this site. Hope to see you all there. For those who cant make the trip I’ll be doing a warm up at the comedy bunker in Ruislip on the 7th.

Drugs and substance abuse

Well, The headlines in the paperes make me look like a Columbian drug lord. The fact is, yes me and my mates (except Franksie) took loads of drugs. We lived for the weekend when we would get as high as kites and sit and talk bollocks to one and other. I quickly noticed that there was never enough drugs for me.people would be content with their intake but me?  I would take too many and make myself ill.   Later I went into a clinic to do something about my addictive personality. I never hid this from the public.I’ve never hid anything from the public! There are some people and I am one of them that one of anything is not enough. I haven’t touched drugs for 25 years, and God willing I won’t do today. I have however become very interested in the whole subject of drugs and drug takers.

Care after Combat has two main roles the first being the rehabilitation of ex vet prisoners and the other is helping veterans and serving members of HM armed forces with their substance and booze addiction. We CAN help these people. Dr Nick Murdock himself a veteran heads our team.I wish I could learn more. I watch and listen as Nick talks me through the problems people face. Every story sounds like my own story. We will help these people . Please help us help them Go to www.careaftercombat.org and see what you can give.

The O’Brian Show

Not knowing what to expect I accepted and invitation to be on James O’Brian’s new show.  Did you see them?…wow. It was Jeremy Kyle plus.  I quite liked it and I think James does a great job.  It’s  a bit much when I am the voice of reason!!

 

Care after Combat starts it’s Phoenix project (Vets in Prison) soon and I have to find 500K  any ideas?

Box Sets

I am addicted to box sets. When I am on tour or away from home I am glued to my laptop. Lost, Prison Break. Dexter definitely helped me get through the year from hell!   Sopranos was the best, closely followed by Boston Legal and of course Breaking bad. Better call Saul is better than expected. I have just down loaded THE LAST SHIP It means well but cant help being American. All I can say is the producers must think their audience are thick! Rohna Mitre is in it so it’s worth a watch just for her!  The bestist ever is a German mini series called Generation War   simply fantastic    Hollywood , watch and learn.

The show going great.  oh yes it is!!

 

COYR         Jim

Sinderella

Well, we did the first show of the Scottish Sinderella last night.It went well and we all drank the Atholl Arms dry afterwards, bad head and berroca’s today!    The show is silly really,it’s just a panto with schoolboy swearwords.I can imagine the critics tearing it apart…and I wouldn’t blame them one bit,but it’s soooooo funny. The audience love it and after a while they think it’s a real panto and join in.You can always tell that this show is funny because the rest of the cast stay in the wings and laugh their socks off. There is loads of ad-libbing and forgotten lines but it’s a riot. Its on at the Pavilion in Glasgow till Saturday and then Wed to Sat next week.

What’s all this fuss about Clarkson? I bet the BBC are rubbing their hands together with Glee.  he doesn’t fit the BBC does he?…rather like me!

 

see yer

Tereasa…thanks for the card

vacation

The great thing about having mates who have done well for them selves is that they have great toys.Steve Lamprell lives in Dubai,he has a nice house in Emirates Hills. Beverly Hills without the bikinis! He and his wife Gillie have a boat. It is quite a big one, 175 feet!  Knowing that I have not had a break for a while they invited me and the Misses out,play some golf and a ride on the ship. Great, what could go wrong?

I flew Virgin.I like Virgin a lot. Our mates Sally BT and her husband Terry work for Virgin. Terry was to be on the plane that flew us the 6 and a half hours to the Gulf. Now it’s not like me to complain but….

The new airbus that took us was designed for people who are 4feet 6 high. We spent a small fortune for two upper class tickets.We were leaving at 9 o’clock in the evening and wanted to sleep. The new bed seats are smaller that the old ones. I slept in the shape of a letter S. When I got off the plane I was bent up like Uriar Heep. No matter, a bit of golf would sort me out.

Steve and Gillie’s house is wonderful and in the afternoon I picked up a golf club for the first time in two years. I was a bit stiff but still managed to beat Steve 2 and 1. Paring 5 holes. not bad for a cripple! I was looking forward to the next day where I would have given Faldo a run for his money…It was not to be,  instead a nice 7 hour drive to Oman to pick up Steve’s boat and sail back to Dubai. Bliss…well not quite. Day one was idilic, once the driver found out where we were going. The boat is luxurious and the staff polite and friendly. We ate drank and stayed the night at anchor while we waited for our friends Ian and Jan Fairservice joined us..they flew down!

Up came the anchor after dinner and we sailed on a sea of glass through the night to wake up in the Mussendan penninsular. Huge rocky mountains that drop into a flat sea. This is going to be great!

Setting off the next day  I noticed some “white horses” on the surface.The wind was up. The horses turned into Giants as we ploughed through rough seas and winds of 40 knts! Michelle went white and I ran for the toilet. The worst thing about being sea sick is that you keep being sick after everything has come up! My brother Bill had the same trouble in the navy.Once whilst throwing up a petty officer said to him “Son, if a little brown ring comes up in your mouth swallow it quick…it’s your arsehole!” I  know what he meant. Michelle was saying  ’never again’.I was agreeing. For two days we anchored in a safe cove keeping a look out for pirates and Iranian SAS types. We set of to round the Straights of Homuz at 10 30 in the evening, by midnight me and the toilet were reunited and Michelle once again faced her demons.12 hours and three stone later we arrived in Dubai. I felt like I had been beaten up. Steve and Gillie plied us with food drink and TLC and we cheered up.We had a day of sunbathing and then set off for the Virgin Dwarf service.

If it wasn’t for Steve and Gillie along with Ian and Jan it would have been a nightmare…it was at times,  but when you’re with people you love it doesn’t seem to matter

As for boating again….forget it!