Captains log….Stardate July 2014.
Commander Goose and trooper Laming and I have arrived on a planet called “the West Country” It is a similar Planet to Norfolk but a lot warmer.
On this trip we took our own ship. It is smaller than a Norfolk ship but much faster. The cost of the fuel we used could have bought two Norfolk ships.
The sun shines a lot in Planet West Country and this makes the local species undress a lot. The females seem to get great pleasure in exposing their brown legs and cleavage. The men do the same.
Tattoos seem to be the thing; especially on the females. Trooper Laming made the observation that West country males must like reading after sex! Perhaps the tattooing is done during sex? Looking at the spelling on some this might be the case.
Planet West Country also suffers from an infestation of “holidaymakers”. The indigenous humans refer to them as Grockles. Grockle boats can be seen to take thousands of them to a place called Brixham, a delightful enclave inhabited by toothless men who catch fish and various molluscs. They leave their hunting nets on the quayside to dry out in the summer sun. With the wind in the right direction the smell can be detected in Weymouth. They of course have there own smell, especially on Friday nights when the females get a bit sweaty looking for a mate.
Like planet Norfolk the males are bald and angry. They take “Hello” as an insult especially when uttered after 2300 hrs. This is the time for drinking eating kebabs and attempting love making. This ritual is usually carried out after both male and females urinate in a doorway.
People from our planet should beware of the local drink called cider. The indigenous species love the stuff. Commander Goose had two glasses and nearly killed the population of a small quaint town called Newton Abbot.
The locals sleep without any form of air-conditioning at all. This is a planet that likes to sweat! Therefore the hotel we stayed at was like the noon day train to Calcutta. If you manage to open a window the noise of the seagulls will make sure you rise by 0400 hours. This of course makes the day longer and the risk of suicide from boredom should be noted.
We have compiled a list of do’s and don’ts for visitors from Earth
Do not ask if the man’s wife is his sister as well, especially in a place called Portland. This is a rumour put about by people who live next to Portland…it is called…Pisstaking!
Do not attempt to make love to a female unless you can do it all night buy her breakfast and get her a cab! Failure to do this will result in more piss-taking.
When visiting Cornwall take a language translator!
Do attempt to make friends but only before 1930 when the drinking ritual starts.
Do not expect to see the same behaviour on return visits. The planet has things called councillors who will ban, scrap, and close anything that the locals enjoy doing.
So get some sunscreen on and GO FOR IT…while it lasts