Bloody Papers

The newspapers have a wonderful way of distorting the truth. They can’t help them selves. they play into the hands of haters and trolls and then take no responsibility for their actions.  Oh by the way, the Doncaster Dome is disgraceful…ask anyone who went. The people of Donny deserve better.Shame on the council…but blame me eh …shame on you.

keep going Brucie, we all love ya!  Strictly is not the same without you.

New tour

The new tour has started well. Two hours on stage and a sign ing session in the interval. A new DVD out at xmas    what more could a man want?

The tour begins

The biggest tour I have done in years kicks off with a gig on the pier in Gt Yarmouth on the 5th Sep. I will be doing both halves of the show.I will also be signing the new book  so busy boy. It has been a busy year.A lot better than last year but the way!! I hope those of you who have kindly bought the book are finding it a good read.

I’ll be recording the Xmas DVD in Shrewsbury on the 12th of sep. See the tour dates if you want to come and see it being filmed.

Big brother is good but…….

see yer at a show BOOK NOW

half way there

The shows are going well in Edinburgh. The critics are seeing the light and I have made some new comedy friends. in the last two nights I have been visited by Nicholas Parsons,Gyles Brandrith and the great Peter Bowles.  I’ll be finished on the 25th then a small break and out on tour. I’ll be visiting some old haunts.Ipswich, llandudno, Doncaster, Cardiff  and all the great old theatres I haven’t been to for a while. I will be also recording a dvd at a special show in Shrewsbury. Check out the tour dates and give em a ring .

Captain’s log

Captains log.

03 August.

 

In my comedian disguise I have visited the center of planet fringe. What I have seen is horrifying.  The streets are jammed with mutants. These mutants are dressed in strange costumes and do ridiculous things. They dance and juggle for no apparent reason. I believe some alien life for has exploded a bomb containing some form of hallucinogenic drug. This has made the inhabitants of planet fringe believe they are entertainers of some kind. They are convinced of it and hand out proper-gander inviting you to share their suffering.

 

My cover is holding up and I convince my onlookers that I am funny. However there is a sub species here known as critics. These sad things have started to observe me. They are displeased with the audience reaction so now criticizes them as well as me.

I will try to hold on.

I look forward to returning to Earth…pray for me!

Planet fringe

Planet Fringe.

 

I have taken the guise of a comedian and bravely landed on a planet called “The fringe” Not wanting to compromise my disguise I moved into a so called hotel outside of Fringe city. The hotel is where people from the four corners of this world come to stay while waiting to go somewhere good. They eat strange things that look like eggs, but are solid with a skin on and cold. Unlike hotels on earth these places do not take complaints likely. The staff, for some reason speak many different languages so unless you are a trained linguist complaining is futile.

 

The rooms are made for small people who carry minimum baggage. A bottle of water is 2.50. With all this profit you would think that these places would be luxurious.

One good thing is the care they have for the environment. The toilet flushes with the power of a 90 year old man pissing. Any waste just surfs!

The management suggests that any waste that does not go can be removed by maintenance men, how thoughtful. I must apply for a job like that.

 

The capital city of fringe is a hub of entertainers of all sorts. Some are good some not so good. Alcohol is taken in great quantities, which makes the not so good ones better.

I will be here for 23 days. I will then return to earth full of shit and solid eggs.

God help me.

 

Captains log…again

Captains log….Stardate July 2014.

 

 

Commander Goose and trooper Laming and I  have arrived on a planet called “the West Country” It is a similar Planet to Norfolk but a lot warmer.

 

On this trip we took our own ship. It is smaller than a Norfolk ship but much faster. The cost of the fuel we used could have bought two Norfolk ships.

 

The sun shines a lot in Planet West Country and this makes the local species undress a lot. The females seem to get great pleasure in exposing their brown legs and cleavage. The men do the same.

Tattoos seem to be the thing; especially on the females. Trooper Laming made the observation that West country males must like reading after sex! Perhaps the tattooing is done during sex?  Looking at the spelling on some this might be the case.

 

Planet West Country also suffers from an infestation of  “holidaymakers”. The indigenous humans refer to them as Grockles. Grockle boats can be seen to take thousands of them to a place called Brixham, a delightful enclave inhabited by toothless men who catch fish and various molluscs. They leave their hunting nets on the quayside to dry out in the summer sun. With the wind in the right direction the smell can be detected in Weymouth. They of course have there own  smell, especially on Friday nights when the females get a bit sweaty looking for a mate.

Like planet Norfolk the males are bald and angry. They take “Hello” as an insult especially when uttered after 2300 hrs. This is the time for drinking eating kebabs and attempting love making. This ritual is usually carried out after both male and females urinate in a doorway.

 

People from our planet should beware of the local drink called cider. The indigenous species love the stuff. Commander Goose had two glasses and nearly killed the population of a small quaint town called Newton Abbot.

 

The locals sleep without any form of air-conditioning at all. This is a planet that likes to sweat! Therefore the hotel we stayed at was like the noon day train to Calcutta.  If you manage to open a window the noise of the seagulls will make sure you rise by 0400 hours. This of course makes the day longer and the risk of suicide from boredom should be noted.

 

We have compiled a list of do’s and don’ts for visitors from Earth

 

Do not ask if the man’s wife is his sister as well, especially in a place called Portland. This is a rumour put about by people who live next to Portland…it is called…Pisstaking!

 

Do not attempt to make love to a female unless you can do it all night buy her breakfast and get her a cab! Failure to do this will result in more piss-taking.

 

When visiting Cornwall  take a language translator!

Do attempt to make friends but only before 1930 when the drinking ritual starts.

 

Do not expect to see the same behaviour on return visits. The planet has things called councillors who will ban, scrap, and close anything that the locals enjoy doing.

 

So get some sunscreen on and GO FOR IT…while it lasts

 

here here Captain

Dear Jim

I’m afraid I have to agree with the Captain.

The last time we visited the Norfolk Broads our boat got stuck under a fisher price bridge in Potter Higham. The bridge was only 4 feet high. We approached with great conviction at 10 knots .The resulting crash caused three residents to wake up and fall in the river off their deck-chairs!. It took of the top of our boat, my hat, and my husband’s syrup! He tried to fish it out of the river but he was attacked by a pike…or was it a pikey? can’t remember

 

A man came and said something in a strange language. The fact that he had one onion stabber tooth protruding from his gob didn’t help. My husband offered him a light for it, that didn’t go down well either.

 

My first visit to Gt Yarmouth was when I was 10. We went to see the circus. The smell of Elephant shit stayed with me till my thirties!

 

I am now 104 so I now go to Eastborne. My husband Burt passed away some years ago but I still take him with me. No-one notices. But…

Bollox to Norfolk. I blame them for me seeing Burt’s bald head for the first time. The shock nearly made me follow through….I do it all the time now it’s part of everyday life.

 

Beryl  Gusset

from Plumstead.

Disgusted from Horning

Dear Captain.

 

I find your comments distasteful and un funny. I have been coming to Norfolk since I was a kid. The people are indeed lovely and helpful. They have a great sense of humor …spelt hoomer! They will share what ever they have with you, including sisters and elderly aunties!

 

We have a great boat. We got if from Wroxham, a beautiful town on the river Bure owned by a bloke called Roy.

The boat is very luxurious and has everything you could wish for. Ok I agree that one has to accept that you are on the broads and not San Tropez, but get past that and the Gosse shit and you’ll be laughing.

We are having a great time. Right now I still have a hangover from drinking with Sid at his pub in Thurne from two nights ago. Bill has been pissed since he left Dartford!   We love Norfolk. We love Lathams of Potter Higham. What value!

John Cannel took us fishing on Hickling broads and we saw two swans killing each other. We then went to Yarmouth where we saw to birds trying to do the same!

I also take offence at the description of big women!  How would you like to live on Mac Donald’s all your life?…it’s not funny. There are some big women about but they are as beautiful as the thin ones. I sometimes wonder how they wipe their bums’ but I digress

 

We have caught lots of fish and I have turned pink!

 

I’ll be sad to leave, but we have to, the shit tank on the boat is full!

 

Jim

Earth Calling!

Captain’s log

Stardate July 2014.

 

We find ourselves on planet Norfolk,  a strange planet that resembles Earth a generation ago. The people are friendly and welcoming. The planet is also inhabited by strange people called “Holiday makers” They are a different shape to the local indigenous species. The females are large and look as if they could kill you with one punch from their huge ham sized arms. They travel in small vessels that float on dark green water. The males are predominately bald and wear shorts showing off their battle scars or in this case strange inky drawings of tribes like Crystal Palace or Spurs.

The indigenous people must suffer frequently from scurvy due to the lack of fresh produce. One Norfolk female serving in a not so supermarket did not know what chillies were. One of our crew asked for Coriander and was stared at. In these parts coriander is  a birth sign.

 

My crew are suffering from dampness due to the Norfolk vessel we have commandeered has no air-conditioning, or de-humidification or ventilation of any kind. One must attempt sleep with the window open only to awake with the agonising feeling that you have been eaten alive by bugs!

 

Food is a problem. The indigenous people don’t have many teeth so anything that need chewing is a no no. The other migratory inhabitants eat something called “pub-grub”. This consists of precooked repacked and micro waved shit that  is full of calories and fat.  This food causes the vistors to drink copious amounts of  lager and gassy beer. This causes them to loose the power of reason and accountability.  The locals quite encourage this and offer beer and a roast dinner for £1.50 and kids eat free.

 

We are leaving soon bound for earth. Our vessel will return to the owners who will give it a rinse and hire it to some other unsuspecting poor sod who will have to suffer the torture my crew and I have had to endure.

 

For future travellers’ from Earth I say this. Enjoy you trip, it will make you much more appreciative of your house.

Live long and prosper.