False

My friend sent me a copy of a Facebook thing. It was a request supposedly from me asking him to join a group supporting soldier F. The joke accompanying this was in terrible bad taste and was not from me. The request to join was not me. There are a few ‘Me’s” on Facebook. What sad lives these people have.  I have no problem with people in groups supporting Soldier F but why do we need this sick and upsetting humour and then credit to me FFS?

Farewell Freddie

I was woken up last night with a call from a journalist informing me that Freddie Starr had passed away. I loved him.

Freddie was the benchmark of British comedy during the 80s. He was outrageous and hysterically funny.  The thing that struck you when you saw onstage was his ability to move, the way he moved. People compared him to Charlie Chaplin.

Both Freddy and I were arrested by operation YEWTREE and in my book No further action you can read of the times when we used to speak to one another. Freddie told me that he told the police he was going to eat a block of concrete. When I asked him why did you say that? He told me it was the only thing he could think of.

After the police told me there would be no further action against me, I was asked if I would give evidence regarding Freddie Starr. I had no evidence to give so I didn’t.  I survived operation Yewtree , Freddie didn’t…. Simple as that.

I truly believe that Freddie Starr is the greatest entertainer this country has ever  produced….   May he find peace.

the tour

The tour is nearly complete,with just Scotland to do. I should have done it  in the middle of the tour but had the dreaded lurgie. Little Workington was great. I had booked what looked like a nice hotel on Booking .com when we got there it was a guest house. I told the nice woman that we were not staying. The fantastically efficient manager at the theatre sorted us out a “Grindley Grog” just outside of town. The two nights were as different as chalk and cheese. First night great…second night a bit slow and then heckling…don’t know why. We also had to have a bloke removed for constant shouting…tit.

The drive home was horrendous. I dropped Kev off at Preston train station and then got photographed speeding, 37 in a thirty. Hold the front page.  Talking of which….

I have now been banned from driving for 6 months. It is a pain in the bum.     12 points in 100,000 miles.

Kev now leaves the charity and comes to work for me…so out goes the VW I’ve been driving and in comes the company limo…more fucking expense.

I am now at home (Kev’s on leave!!) and can’t get into the charity office. Good job I’m not paid or I would loose the job. It is crazy banning people Utter madness..

 

Live long and prosper

 

Jim

Swansea

I normally  stay over in Swansea at the nice Morgans hotel. This time I had to be back for a meeting on the floating office in Southampton. I am planning a film about traveling to London…By Office!!

Kev and I arrived in Swansea at mid day and had a meeting with Care after Combat’s Welsh office. After a good meeting and a nice lunch it was off to the theatre for a kip…oh the glamour.

Now, I’ve enjoyed this act I am doing but tonights gig was electric….. a full house and a great crowd.

We set off for Southampton at 10 20 and arrived a 2 am!  Some tit had closed the M4    my stupid German car took us off on a magical mystery  tour. through 20mph council estates in Chippenham .  We then hit fog on Salisbury plain. I pulled over because some annoying git ws up my are….It was the Rozzers. I asked them if they wanted to get in my boot? they laughed. As  we drove off I told them to be careful in the fog because I was pissed…..   they buggered off.

Oh the office broke down the next morning and had to be fixed by a boat person.  I think it prefers being the production office.

Dartford to do Wednesday…..sort of home town…looking forward to it!

Trowbridge

Great….   drove home after having a drink with my old mate John

kettering.

Always had problems with the sound here.   Now sound fine…hotel HMMMM    there is a nice big hotel and spa in Kettering. It’s the sort of hotel that caters for weddings and hen parties using the spa. It would seem it caters for no one else. We arrived and stood at reception with our bags. The young girl with a metal thing in her lip and enough makeup to paint the scubs asked us if we were checking in? I replied “no, we are just walking about with our bags”…her older friend laughed, she looked pissed off. It turns out Kevin was not on their list even though I booked him in online. They found him a room. A suite no less. Now this is a nice big hotel with tons of facilities. It was lunchtime and we told reception we going to the restaurant. We got there and were told by a 12 year old it was shut. “But it’s lunch time”I said. “Why is the restaurant closed lunchtime?”  ”it opens at six” was the reply. There was bar food..  I had eggs Benedict out of the four choices.   It was shite.. The Hollandaise sauce had split. I pointed this out to the waitress who said..”Sorry”   .

The gig was fine and I met up with an old operation Yewtree inspector and went for a Thai meal with him and his team from “PTSD BLUES” there are thousands of Police officers, serving and veteran, suffering. I talked with them and tried to find a way to help.  We chatted about Yewtree and had a good laugh!!   we did!

Next morning we met some friends for lunch. Two fans who have been coming to see me for 27 years. The restaurant ,of course was full and was told by Iron lip at reception I should have booked Friday…we checked in Saturday I told her  she said “OH…”

The nice bloke with the long fashionable beard said we can have a table in the bar.    We ordered 3 beef and I plumbed for the “Roast pork with crackling served with  apple sauce and sage gravy”

The young girl took our order. “how is the beef cooked ?” I ask  she said “Well done or Rare” “No medium?” “no”

We got two well done and Kevin’s rare…there was no difference. The millennial lad said” here we are two well done and one pink”  I asked why he thought pink was brown?” he said “it’s pink”  ” Kevin said ” it’s well done” the girl said she would replace it. My three slices of overcooked and dry pork were served. No sage gravy, no crackling. I asked for the gravy. The girl went off in a huff , waited till my pork was cold and returned with the news that they had run out!

I asked her to take mine away and I would have beef. She did. The beef turned up and was inedible. Kevin and my guests couldn’t eat theirs either.

I spoke to the beardyman who assured me that this has never happened before… was he indicating this is my fault for being too fussy?    Probably

Shame on that Hotel     it’s typical I’m afraid…not good enough Great Britain.

Telford

The last time I appeared in Telford I was on bail. If you remember I was wrongly arrested by the operation yew tree mob. After a year of turmoil the police informed me there would be no charges. They almost managed an apology. Anyway, it was 2013 and I arrived at the theatre in Telford four hours after being released from the police station. A couple of years before that the Telford Council banned me from appearing in their theatre, because I slagged the town off. Anyway, they have since changed their minds and I am back…. The town, incidentally, looks the same as it did all those years ago.

The theatre is impossible to find. The navigator in the car had a mental breakdown after taking us round the town centre three times. We eventually staggered into the theatre and did a  sound check. All was well.

Like 90% of the tour the theatre was sold out. Sell-out shows have a bit of a buzz. There is something about a packed auditorium, you can almost sense the anticipation, and it gives me a feeling that I must go out and deliver. I am still wearing jeans and my golf shoes, it has changed the way I work. My hair is growing quite long as well so with the jeans, trainers and  long hair I really am becoming an alternative comedian.

The staff and crew at this theatre are sensational. Yes it could do with a few quid spent on it,but it makes up for that with the great personnel that strive to do their best for the artist and the audience. One could wish for nothing better.

Got back to the hotel, nothing to eat… Off to bed.         Bring back the old days

Stevenage

The trouble with doing the gig in Stevenage is that it is on the border of staying over or going home. It is two hours from my house, so do you drive home? Or stay in a hotel with sod all to do all day? We chose to stay. We stayed at the premiere inn. At reception there was a person belonging to the protected species act. She had no recollection about a booking. So after what seemed like three weeks we checked into our rooms first checking that Lenny Henry was not in residence.

The gig in Stevenage is in a huge leisure centre complex. There is a choice. You can play the big sports hall that holds 1200 people, or you can play the Gordon Craig Theatre which holds 600 people.  I chose to play the theatre, twice.

The lighting sound and crew were perfect.

After the first night Kevin and I went for a curry in a deserted Indian restaurant in the old town. I certainly got my money’s worth from the food. I could taste it all night, and it kept me awake for most of it.

During the day off Kevin and  I decided to check out the shopping centres. The women in Stevenage eat well. We went to the Thai restaurant. It was very nice and full of Thai women that looked as if they’ve been put into a shrink machine… They were tiny.

I bought a pair of jeans… And a iPad from one of those little shops with a man who had English as a second language it would seem.

We swerve around the Indian after the second show and went to bed at 11 o’clock….. Oh, the glamour.

heading North

The next two gigs were at an old favourite and a new gig that I had never been to. Skeggy and the Burnley mechanics!  Thats sounded like one of those awful clubs in the moors. It turned out to be a tasty little 500 seater. The sound and lights were great and we stayed in a Gymnasium with beds!   nothing to report. foot still bad and  I limp off to bed straight after the show…oh the glamour. Up early next day and we drive to Shaggy. Bloody long drive through empty and sad looking villages and towns in Lancs and Yorkshire. All the pubs were boarded up.There were hundreds of hairdresser shops!  Sgeggy was full and Gemma with the nockers was on the front row. Straight to bed after!!  I must be getting old. Home tomorrow……. good, running out of pain killers!

The great thing about doing two nights in a place is that on night two you just turn up and go on. no soundcheck!!  Great.  I was visited by Jilly Johnson and her husband and Roger Kitter’s widow Karen and Michel Black’s widow Julie Rogers. My mum used to sing her song “the wedding” in the pub. A good old night with explaining how to speak Jewish with only using the five vowels. It’s rare to work a mainly Jewish audience and we all loved it…don’t mention the labour party!!    Foot still sore.