Cromer and the Millenials

Cromer is a quaint seaside town at the most easterly point of England. It has an old theatre on a pier. It is also famous for crabs, and last year was invaded by travelling people who held the town  hostage. It is also home to the Cromer lifeboat and it’s brave crew, some of whom I have shared many a hangover.

The theatre produces a long-running summer show and it does very well. Normally summer shows do not exist in a variety format any more, they are normally one nighters with a different star every night. What the Cromer show lacks in stars it makes up for by producing a good old-fashioned variety show that everybody loves and can afford.

I’ve played the theatre many times, it is a labour of love, you do not do it to make money as it only holds 400 people. Also you can only do it  in the winter because the summer show takes up all the good weather.

There was a bit of a problem at the end of last week. I turned up to do two shows. The weather was horrendous with a  gail force N E wind blowing. Kevin and I struggled to make our way down the slippery wet and rather dangerous wooden floor of the ancient peir. I could not understand how anybody would want to make this journey to see me.

There is no stage door as such so I waited in the bar area. I asked for a spritzer, and then explained what it was. I was poured a pint of it!!  but the wine was off. Not surprising really when I was the first show of the year and the wine had probably been there since the last show in the summer. The young man who served it understood, but the man with him became sarcastic and looked down his nose at me as if to say I bet nothing nothings good enough  for you is it. However the young man understood and poured me another one.

One by one the audience arrived looking like surviours from the failed  expedition to the Antarctic. The bar was freezing.

I went to my dressing room, this had newly been painted in white gloss paint, not only was the smell overpowering but I managed to smother the wife’s Christmas present, a new timberland coat, in paint.

After nearly passing out with the fumes I returned to the bar, most of the audience had taken their seats and I asked Kevin to get me a whiskey. I was told I could not have it in a glass but it had to be in a plastic tumbler. I told the woman I wasn’t happy with that because plastic tumblers kill turtles. She obviously had not seen David Attenborough. She bought the whiskey in a plastic tumbler, Kevin grabbed a glass and poured the tumbler into it. I was told I could not take it out of the bar. It was now at 8 o’clock and the show was waiting to begin. I explained to the woman I was taking it onstage. This made no difference, She told me I could not leave the bar with a glass.  She seemed pleased.I told her I would wait in the bar and finish it and could she explain to the audience why we were waiting. She then pulled a face and said please yourself and dismissed me with a flick of her hand..     What a star I felt.

I later explained this to the stage crew, who rolled their eyes to heaven and made gesticulation which summed up their thoughts about the front of house people. Mine too.

While I was on stage I told  the audience. I also told them that I would get the blame and that some spotty little oik from the local paper will get his headline “Jim Davidson rude to staff”

This is, or course what has happened

Typical

 

Great technical staff, wonderful ushers…shitty attitude millennials running the bar…blame me!!!   shame on you

 

The show went quite well.

 

Millennials……………………………….

 

The best line was from some  female on FB….Talking about the bar staff…”they pay your wages” me…”Thank them for the 15 k”

tour going well.

I am so enjoying this show now I know what I am talking about. The audience and I expose what is acceptable in comedy and in life…   life is funny

tour

Four gigs into the tour and I have finally found my feet. It is always a problem putting a new act together. Last years 40 years in showbiz tour was sensational, it was the best thing I’ve ever done. Now I have to follow that. How do you do that? Well, I decided that what I’ll do it just moan about the things that get on my tits, and there’s lots of them.

It’s funny how people react.

Donald Trump…. They love him

Diane Abbott       they wet themselves laughing. I have started calling her Diane Abacus. When construction company Corillian went into liquidation , she asked,” how much is  a Corrillian?”

I met once at the House of Commons, she was having lunch at the table with Bernie Grant… Do you remember him? Are used to wear African garb. Anyway, I said hello, and she closed her eyes to try and summon up who I was. That gave me time to escape.

Europe….. They want out

Boris……… They love him

Corbin………. boos

 

I like my audience.

hello

well Hello,

 

it’s been a while, so I thought I better write a few things.

I’m just finishing a tour for small theatres in the UK. The show is called 40 years on. It reflects on the 40 years since I won New Faces in 1976. I am enjoying it. This autumn I am doing the show without music and lighting… A sort of unplugged version.

What I had forgotten, was just how bizarre and rotten some of our hotels are. And if you criticise them on social media, local people who have probably never been there in their lives defend them as if they were their own children. I went to one in Exeter, and in the bar next to reception there were a pair of legs dangling through the ceiling. A man was working, and while he was doing it there was debris and dust falling into people’s cups of tea. I checked out my bedroom, it smelt of an old janitor’s bucket. I made my excuses and left. I am the bad guy!!!!

I think the way forward is to stay in Premier Inns, you know what you gonna get.

Have you noticed annoying things in hotels?, like having to make your own toast and your own tea. And then serve yourself some dried out bacon and a piece of fried egg that looks as if you could make a  frisbee out of it.

And then you sit in the lobby with a  cup of tea, try desperately to get on the  Wi-Fi that is slower than a snail, and try and catch up on your emails while people clean and vacuum around you. I asked the receptionist.” Am I getting in the way?” “No” she said with a smile and complete missed the point of why I asked her.

Pillows. Why do hotels buy the cheapest pillows they can find? I’ve had a stiff neck for three months.

well thats my moan over.

I recorded Piers Morgan show the other day. In the audience was a guy(can you say that now?) from the Mirror. he listend with interest as I told a story of saving a soldiers life..and then ran a story how I had a feud with Bruce Forsyth.

Actually I never had a feud with him. I hardly ever talked to him. I once was given a dog by his ex wife Anthea. It was a great Dane. Julie(think that was her name) and I lived in Wentworth. This dog was a giant and had bollocks the size of ice buckets. It was also a vegetarian. Anyway , cut a long story short, I did a bit in the Sun that we were looking for a home for Bruce’s old dog. he came round my house going bonkers.  ”You can’t get rid of that dog, he’s a killer!”  well thanks Bruce. I never spoke with him again because I never saw him. He didn’t mix with my mob. When I took over the Gen game I thought I would get a card!…No. he was a private man who preferred his own close friends like Tarby.

Now I did have a feud with him. I was pissed and watched his performance at Blazers in Windsor. He had been in the doldrums for a while but a brilliant spot on the royal variety show propelled him back to stardom and full houses. I said “Great show Jimmy, good to see you back after your layoff” That did it..brought the old scouser to life!!  ”How dare you..you’re not even a comic you’re just a cheeky personality..you won’t be funny till you’re forty”   That told me!

Care after Combat is doing well despite no money from HMG yet!   250 veteran prisoners helped. My team has reduced re-offending by 90%   please go to CaC twitter and join x

 

soon

The Keith Emerson Tribute show is approaching fast   28th July Birmingham Symphony Hall x

Carp after Combat

A fantastic  three days with the carp after Combat team…no fish and a sire throat but great fun. Well done Dave and Andy and the team.

Keith Emerson Tribute

Tickets are selling well for the Keith Emerson tribute concert. I hope you can come. Please go to the Care after Combat website or twitter page and get some tickets, you wont regret it 28 July in Brum

Liars

I ve been reading about “millenials” . People of a young age that have a blame culture. I’m glad someone else has noticed this cousin of political correctness.  The type of person this disease affects  is normally the one who moans ..about me, you everybody really. Nothing is their fault. They go out of their way to lie and bullshit their way to safety.  It is quite scary. “It’s not me”" You made me do it”  It’s not my job” ”he spoke to me funny, he was rude, he was humiliating me, he looked at me funny”. heard any of these?

When they fuck up it’s ALLWAYS someone else fault..and if you don’t like this version of the truth there’s another version ready to go.

They also have the knowledge that the HR PC wold of morons are on there side.

There is an epidemic

How dare I say this!!!!! “well, There you go… what do you expect from the sexist racist?”

Life has a way of evening things out.

Life has a way of evening things out.

 

Internationally acclaimed keyboard virtuoso Keith Emerson passed a year ago. I loved him. He was my hero. When I was young and working for radio rentals delivering TV’s in my little van I used to drive to Fulham and go through the bins of Emerson Lake and Palmer’s recording studio looking for souvenirs.  Later when I became famous I met Keith. I was speechless. They say never meet your heroes, however mine was great. He taught me how to be a friend as well as a fan. I travelled the world to see him play. We became palls. He was even best man at a couple of my weddings.

In 1977 I was about to go to Montreal to see them with a 60 piece orchestra in the Olympic stadium. I couldn’t go. I had been offered a TV series. I should have gone. I would never see Keith’s music with an orchestra again for Keith took his life.

No one will really know the reason he did this, although I think Keith believed he had lost his relevance. He had a problem with his right hand. It was getting worse, and suddenly and terrifyingly the world’s greatest rock keyboard player could not play the way he believed he had to. Keith had raised the bar of rock keyboard playing so high it even became out of his reach. He believed that he was unable to deliver what was expected of him, and depression set in.

I work with Veterans, some of them have the same problem, that of losing one’s relevance.

It is a huge smack in the face to realise that you must cease to be who you once were or who you chose to be, and realise that life moves on, and its time to turn the page.

When Simon Weston was injured, his life changed in an instant. He adapted, and now is an inspiration to us all. We must all accept our fate and rejoice in what we once had.

Let’s look at my favourite subject…me!

I have been right to the top of my profession, against all odds, some would say. But I’ve always believed that everyone has a shelf life. People say to me “why aint you on the Telly no more?” I tell them that I have done my shift. Some of my colleagues really struggle with not being the star they were. They feel hollow…like Ronin. (did you see the film?) They are without purpose and they watch what they see to be lesser mortals succeeding. It’s rotten, but that’s life, but believe me there is always something round the corner.

In 1976 I failed an audition for Opportunity Knocks, two months later I won New Faces.

After years at Thames television I was sacked. Two months later I was signed by BBC to do Big break and the biggest show of all the Generation Game.

I was arrested by operation yewtree on the way to the Big brother house.

1 year later I won Big brother.

When I was 19 I was going through Keith’s rubbish bins

Then on March the 11th last year I got a phone call from his Girlfriend Mari to tell me Keith was dead. She called me…the kid who was going through the bins.

I never got to Montreal. I never saw the great man’s works orchestrated. But as I said, life has a way of evening things up.

On the 28th of July I am producing a celebration of Keith’s life at the Birmingham symphony Hall.  And yes… It will have a Sixty Piece Orchestra.

 

Keith Emerson a celebaration of life

Birmingham Symphony Hall

Starring

Rick Wakeman, Thiery Elise, Racheal Flowers, Marc Bonilla, Noddy’s Puncture

And the Keith Emerson Orchestra conducted by Terje Melkelson

 

 

Tickets 01217 803 333   http://bit.ly/2hjjvVz

Prediction

Now , I have the odd bet now and then,so here’s one.  I bet Donald Trump resigns. I bet he gets fed up of being slagged off. Now, we all get slagged off…I should know, but when you believe you are constantly slagged off for the wrong reasons it gets to yer, because people haven’t listen to what you have said or written, it’s frustrating. It’s like constantly being blamed for something you haven’t done. You get slagged off because of other peoples interpretation of what you said. Nigel F must be sick of being called a racist because he wants to protect our borders. He has resigned more times than we all can remember. I resign twice a week…Some times life seems unfair..no matter what you say, some bugger puts his wrong interpretation on it and Boom!  So why bother?    because  we all feel passionate about the things we do…we go for gold, flat out then along comes some tit and pisses on your chips…..”Just when I thought I was leaving..they drag me back in”

 

I’m having real problems making Pie and Mash… me bottoms are a bit soggy and my tops are too hard.