Summer’s here



Captains log star date   Wednesday   first week of August

It was all planned.


In May I took delivery of a 2004 Princess 61 Motor vessel.  She was old, but she had plenty of room.  I needed a new office, as I cannot run my business of being a comedian from the charity’s office in Fareham.  What better place to have an office then on the high seas?  It can even move from one place to another should the need require.

The plan was for Kevin, my faithful roadie, and Stuckey my faithful old ex roadie, to join me on a trip to Southampton to Torquay.  I would be doing two gigs in the West Country. Falmouth in Cornwall, and Torquay in Devon. This would save hotel bills sleeping on the boat.  The trip to Torquay by boat is about 125 miles.

That is a lot of fuel, so we had to fill up on the Monday before we set off.  That was the plan, however….

The weather over the weekend had been terrible and the seas were rough.  I delayed the trip by 12 hours, we would pick up fuel Tuesday morning and set off at 16 kn.  This ,I have worked out, is the most fuel efficient speed.

Kevin was driving down from his home in Blackpool.  Stuckey, coming from Watford, got there first and we went to the Cove,  a tasty little bar restaurant at Shamrock quay marina.

Kevin had been unwell the previous month and was diagnosed with a dickie heart, and knackered lungs.  He only weighs 16 fluid ounces and only eats when fed by me.  He is however a great mate.

Me and Stuckey sat in the Cove restaurant, an unusually for him he ordered a rose wine, I had 1 too.  We then bumped into our friend Tiggy and a girlfriend, we joined them for a drink and ordered a bottle of rosé wine.  This turned into two bottles. This surprised me, as Stuckey does not drink.  After the second bottle, he started singing. Kevin arrived and tiggy’s boyfriend Pete.  More bottles were ordered.  A good time was had by all.

I noticed something was wrong when we ordered our food.  Kevin was incapable of eating, not only that but is false teeth fell out in the attempt.  I now had Stuckey singing at the top of his voice and Kevin drooling and talking incoherently.  His eyes were rolling around and he looked grey and horrible…. Nothing new there then, however, the fact that he had been to the doctors and was told he  was fucked  set the alarm bells going.  We called an ambulance.  They were fantastic, and carted Kevin off to Southampton Gen.  I finished his dinner, and stucky finished his wine.

After a whiskey or two on Pete and Tiggy’s boat Stuky and I fell into bed.  I was awoken at 06:30 by one of the marina staff.  He handed me a number.  I dialled it.  Kevin answered.  He asked me what he was doing in hospital.  He seemed okay and told me he had  booked a taxi to come back.

This is not the way to start the summer season.

Kevin arrived looking like the Turin shroud.  We slipped from the mooring at 0900 took on a thousand litres of fuel.,and set a course for Torquay.

Halfway across Christchurch bay the hangovers started settling in.  it was decided that we will divert to Weymouth for the night. This we did and tied up alongside this is beautiful and quaint little seaside town.  The harbourmaster and his team were fantastic and got is alongside safely. Vowing never ever to drink again we set off in search of bloody Mary’s.

An early night after the usual game of dominoes and we woke fully refreshed the following morning. The weather  had calmed down a bit and we set off to round the dreaded Bill of Portland and set a course East towards Torquay.

Three hours late we arrived…it Pissed down!

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