Gout..and a night mare

I have never played Morley before. A nice local promotor called Paul contacted Chris and asked if we could do the show in the town hall…he would pay a fee. Chris’s eyeballs saw pound signs…a deal was done…I smelled a rat!

On arrival I was met by Paul…who looked  relieved that I had turned up,albeit on one foot. I was in agony and have had to perform in my super light golf shoes!!!!

The sound man wandered over…he had a cowboy hat on…was this a sign?…it was. before we started I noticed a speaker at the back of the room. I asked the Hat if out was delayed(* I will explain) he looked off into the sunset and said….”A Bit”  he did not know what I was talking about.

* the speed of light is 186,000 miles per second. That is the speed that my voice does to get to that back speaker via a wire. It also travels at that speed to get to the PA speakers on the stage. From them it travels at the speed of sound (700 MPH) to the earholes of the audience. So, the the problem is, by the time the stage speaker sound travelling a 700 mph reaches the people by the back speaker they would have already heard the  back speaker causing a railway anouncement  effect, The answer is to hold back the sound to the back speaker by delaying its departure from the mike!….simples and the first thing a sound engineer learns…..not this one.

I did a quick one two and realised it was all wrong!!  I told him to unplug the back speaker. This cowboy did not have a clue. The sound desk was onstage behind me in the wings. We tried my mike….no better.

The first 30 minutes was me talking to the audience with no sound.. Then the hecklers that had partaken of the buckets of beer they had carried in with them started. I called for a interval,  I have been on 50 minutes 30 without a mike, ten minutes of nearly a mike and ten minutes of hecklers with bald heads walking about!

The promotor had to be dragged off the sound man and I did my best to stop him from hanging himself. We  had to cancel the charity merch sale as the interval came on us ,including me, as a surprise. Poor Kev had to pack the stuff up!

The second half another bloke turned up with another Mike… it was still shit and there were no monitors but I did an hour and a half which went well as the hecklers were asked to leave…..

I gave Paul a hug and said …”If you pay peanuts……” I walked past the sound man who was looking at the desk as Catweasle would look at the Starship Enterprise control panel x

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