Peterbourlgh

I told myself that I must not mention that MP who has gone to prison for failing to declare that she was the driver of the car allegedly. If she was  a white MP I would have gone to town… But there you go.

The Cresset has always been a dodgy old gig. It is a sports hall really. It is run by people who understand sports halls. We arrived there was no parking space of course. And as we walked into the concert room I spoke to the man who was behind the sound desk. I asked him if he was ready for the soundcheck? He told me not yet. So I waited as he ran up and down the aisle trying to fix the broken PA system. Actually it wasn’t broken he just did not know how to work it. The sound was appalling. When it wasn’t distorting it was too quiet. I am aware that I am the bad guy when it comes to these situations. The gymnasium manager arrived and had a listen  to the sound. He said I’m not a sound engineer but it sounds fine. It didn’t, and Kevin told him that it was distorting. I had a bit of a cold and sore throat and I was relying on the P a system to help me through the evening. Instead of trying to get the sound right the sound engineer decided it was more fun to argue with me.   I went on to a shit sound system and at the end of two hours I had no voice left.

Oh well what do you expect when you play gymnasiums.

Stayed at the premier inn …great

Crewe

Frank Matcham was a fantastic theatre designer. Some examples of his work can be seen in southsea in Hampshire, Wakefield and the Hackney Empire.

The theatre in Crewe was designed by one of his apprentices. It has a wonderful old device in the centre of the roof. When switched on Little gas burners light up. The heat that it generates encourages the cigarette and pipe smoke to rise and is expelled via a chimney…. Brilliant. I believe it is the only functioning device of its kind in the world.

The crew here are fantastic. What else would you expect in town named after them?

It was a good gig, but I found myself getting tired towards the end of the first half. A stiff whiskey sorted me out.

I sign books for the charity in the interval. On the inside cover of the book is the recommended retail price of £18.99. I charge £20 for the book and all the money goes to care after combat. I received a couple of emails today from a woman who complained that she spent £20 pounds on the book when it should be £18.99. I replied to her that I had signed the book personally for her. She replied that I didn’t even look up and she feels she has been robbed. I told to send the book back to the charity and she would be refunded. I also told her I think I know who she was. There was a woman complaining a lot. Kevin resisted the temptation to tell to fuck off.  I bet it is her.  Some people ?

The hotel was deserted. Kevin I were charged £30  for 3 slices of bacon and for poached ..

The drive back to the office in Whiteley took 4 1/2 and a half hours. I seem to spend my life in the car.

I am very good at predicting what time I will arrive at home, usually within the minute.

Looks like Liam Nielson is in the shit today… Oh well it someone else’s turn for a change.

hastings

The White Rock Theatre in Hastings is an odd shape. It is wide as opposed to long. Hastings looks as if it is suffering from the recession and austerity measures more than some. The peir opposite the theatre has had a facelift and the hotel we stayed in needs one. I stayed at the White Rock Hotel. I’ve never seen so many dogs. It is a good idea to have dog friendly hotels. This hotel was not heat friendly. Kevin had to get up in the night and put a jumper on.I’m used to being freezing because of a menopausal wife, so -5° was nothing to me.

The hotel had a very charming millennial receptionist. I pointed to the globe that was rotating on the reception desk. I asked her where she thought Angola was. She said she knew nothing about geography at all. And why should she?

The gig was quite good including four people who shared a tooth, giggling a lot.

I think I’m getting a bit tired now.

Wimborne night two

I have taken to doing psychic  suff in the first half. I am trying to contact the dead!  Not easy…anyway  I could not predict what happened. A family turned up with a 14 year old lad. Kev spotted them and correctly alerted the management. The management is the wonderful Charlie North-Lewis. Him and I go way back to the days of George Savva. Anyway, the woman was told that she could not bring in a 14 year old because of the nature of Jim’ s act. I told Charlie I couldn’t do my so called act for what basically is a child. I might be a “dirty right wing, sexual predatory homophobic, Tory, racist,fattest sexist wife beating alcoholic drug addicted bankrupt”. But in reality It is not in my nature to rob children of their childhood…. We refunded the 5 tickets. The woman was very nice about it…..so far

off to Hastings tonight , snow plough at the ready

here we go again

The gig in Wimbourn was over shadowed somewhat by Snow and the flakes   and by That Nice Mp Lammy . He is always going on about racism.Everything he talks about is racism. Brexit  will cause more racism  etc etc      I saw all this on twitter and commented  ”Play the race card?  why not.” well that brought the snowflakes out, Lammy replied by playing all the cards, accusing me of hate filled jokes in the 80′s  he then states he was 11..well shouldn’t be watching dirty comics! he then defends all the others ists and accuses me of insulting basically everyone apart from straight able bodied white people!!   is that a card or what?   I find all this card playing destructive…it is him that is full of hate and is doing his best to drive us all apart….print that!

meanwhile the shows are selling out because it is time the people fight back against all this shite.

I’m the bad guy again of course!  Can’t wait to see the Daily Mirror’s version of events

Epsom

Epsom is a nice little theatre. It was full both nights. Bobby Davro came to see the show and we did Zippy and George together. Me from the stage and him from the seats!   he was very rude..but Zippy is isn’t he.  Home after both shows.

Ipswich

The Regent  looks lovely now….Someone has spent a good few quid. All the staff are great and there’s a tasty Chinese restsraunt next door. The theatre wasn’t full,the first one that isn’t. It had just over 800. The nice manageress said that that was “good for a Sunday”. The Stage manager told me they have been having a lot of shows on and the money just isn’t in the town. There was a young comic on the night before. Now if that was my theatre I wouldn’t have two comics back to back. Also it was freezing and pissing down, so a walk up was nigh on impossible.

I had to work hard because it is a big room and it was a Sunday crowd…full of dinner and afternoon TV…  We all woke up in part two.

I love Ipswich…it has a great Theatre, a great football club and is easy to get too….oh the people aint bad either….now to run the gauntlet of reception Millennials at the hotel.

We stayed at the Novotel…French. the one in Wolverhampton is great..this one…..?

We were greated by a young French sounding woman who was ,by her attitude, probably Belgian. The first words out of her mouth before hello or the millennial “Hi Yar” were  ”do you have a car in the carpark?’ “yes” “then put you registration number into this touch pad”   I told her I did not know the registration number, she told me that I had to know…I gave up and went and got it. I then was informed I had to pay 7 quid for the privilege of leaving my car at the hotel I was paying 100 pounds night for. I told her it didn’t mention this on the web site..she corrected me.  ”Would  you like to pay for breakfast?” “No I’ll wait and have a look at it…it maybe crap” yes she said “It may be”  she saw Kev and I look at each other in dissbelievement! (is that a word)  ”I don’t want to argue with you” she said with an arrogant I don’t give a flying fuck look”

Breakfast was ok……

I wish Maria was here!…who?   The receptionist from Tewkesbury!

 

Fundraiser

I had Saturday off and was planning to join my CAFC brothers in Peterbourlgh  However, duty called. A fundraiser for the Conservative party, in particular the Rt Hon Pritti Patel. The venue was the five lakes Crown Plazza in deepest Essex.  When I arrived there must have been 2000 cars parked everywhere. This was some fundraiser! No, it was the European weight lifting championships. The hotel was heaving. I had tried to book Kev another room over the phone and got two shitty Millennials who didn’t know there was a function on and told me there wasn’t a function room. I can almost see their painted on eyelashes…

Anyway a nice grown up sorted me out.   The function room had no PA or lighting  fair enough.  Pritti also brought her 10 year old son!   get the clean stuff out Jimbo… arriving at the hotel bar for a sharpener, I was greeted by a big boned girl with eyebrows and a youth male who looked and acted like Droopie the dog. I had to ask for everything twice. I then heard him mutter “Fucking hell”…yes it was. I asked him if it was his first night and the girl with the good appetite said I am being provocative…big word for a millennial. I said  ”the customers ruin a bar don’t they” yes she sneered.   Thank God for the grown up at reception and the foreign workers who didn’t seem so angry and stupid.

 

Breakfast was the worst so far…shame on you rotten hotels… There were hundreds of foreigners staying at a hotel and seeing how useless the majority of Brit staff are       terrible  Like!

Swoon

Well, the hotel  Tewkesbury Park is the best. It is smart, the staff are friendly and my room was fit for a queen. The breakfast was to die for and the staff are superb…especially reception. We must bring millennials here to be trained.

The gig was the little theatre  The Roses. It is run by volunteers and really could do with a referb. It is treated with love but sometimes a technical mind needs to give it the once over…still it was full and we all had a laugh

basingstoke

Now then you’d think the a gig 30 mins from home wouldn’t be a problem. I haven’t played the theatre very often as it has been run by a selection of women, some who liked me and some who didn’t.   Basingstoke is new town deigned by Stevie Wonder It has a one way system that can lead to one disappearing up one’s own arse. I wasn’t too sure of the location. I had the stage door in my minds eye. I sort of remembered. but…. as you drive into basingstoke a sign ANVIL is written in one of the lanes. I got init. It then took me to a roundabout where there were 3 exits and no ANVIL sign .ANVIL is the name chosen by someone from the council for the name of the theatre. Probably because after an hour driving around looking for it you want to put your head on an anvil and hit it with a lump hammer!  I saw a sign that said ANVIL P  I followed it reminding myself that the theatre was in fact in a car park. The sign took me into the biggest carpark on earth where I was faced with a barrier. I pressed the help button and a man with English as a second language told me to get a ticket. I told him in a certain manner I did not want to be in his carpark. he said  ”get ticket..after put in on exit no pay and drive the bloody hell away”  I did, but not before getting lost …in the carpark.

The gig was great and full… sold lots of books and collected over a grand in donations..the best so far.

Tewkesbury tonight and checked into a fab hotel with the prettiest receptionist in history….must check I am awake !